No, This is NOT A Post of About Insecurity and Paralyzing Self-Doubt.

Maybe this is a call for help.

Maybe it didn’t matter if I was in a relationship with someone else or I am alone.

Maybe I just really don’t know myself, I don’t know who I am.

Maybe I’m the kind of person who only finds out who he is if he gives some other people ideas on what he’s like or what he does, what he likes doing, what his secrets are, what one thing he likes over another and what has happened in his life so far.

It’s like starting out talking to somebody as a blank piece of paper. I only become me as soon as I start scribbling down what I’ve said on that piece of paper. Then comes the enormous pressure of living up on what’s on paper.

More often than not, I cannot believe I’ve lived 26 years on this earth and be this kind of a person.

Maybe it’s the reason why I am not granted the illusion of permanence that I’m seeking. It’s because each and everytime I am around new or old people, I am that blank piece of paper. I leave nothing written on it, nothing to be read and blank papers tend to be ignored unless they’re needed by someone for something.

I’ve got balls for telling everybody I know who I am.

The thing is, I really don’t. And the sad part is, I have to find out, if I want people in my life to stop leaving or prevent me from leaving people behind so I can sleep better at night.

I so do not deserve to be called a grown up.

Oh, wait. I already know that!

6 thoughts on “THOUGHTS

  1. Don’t you get tired? maybe you should try a different direction in terms of personal relationship. If it’s becoming too often than not, maybe there IS something wrong with you. Ask yourself, is this the direction i want my relationship to go? Is this THE relationship I want to be in? Am I ready for this? ask your partner, get her INTO your life, let her know the REAL you. Be honest. Do you often feel falling out of love for no reason at all? Or if there is/are, what could it be? Jeez, hard isn’t it? Questions! Questions! Questions! Love is not complicated, we’re the ones making it complicated. Then again if not where’s the challenge right? Hhhmm…. Why? Why fall in love when you know you lack the capacity of maintaining that relationship in the first place? Oh because you thought somehow it’ll work on its own… Well.. as the saying goes.. it takes two to tango.

  2. oh, i am tired of being me or what I know is me, sometimes. i wish i could start over. blank sheet, write with permanent ink. fresh starts are always good.i just have to stop making decisions that I’ll make fresh starts every few years/relationships or so.

  3. Wouldn’t it be unfair for the next woman? You know your flaws… you already mentioned it… can’t you work your way around it? Or try to solve it?CONTENTMENT, I guess is the word… Learn it… Live it… And I know, you’ll be happy. Good Luck!

  4. yeah…fresh starts are always good! and it is never impossible as long as we still have fresh mornings to wake up to. never give up on yourself johnny du. if you’re bent on starting over, better ask the Big Guy up there this time for directions. He’s your Maker and got the Manual for your life. carpe diem kid!

  5. I agree. Bow. Johnny, ur a great person. I’ve told you many times that you’ve got so much potentials and u need not be a blank sheet everytime you meet people. A sheet of paper becomes more interesting and intruiging if you find it with scribbles and drawing in it. Show them what you got! Kick ass! heheheh!

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