Right now, there are friends who question my statement that “I don’t think I was built for relationships, to share my life with that one person for the rest of my life.” I can’t blame them. They have someone that takes care of them, that looks after them in the most special ways, that brings to them that special joy and makes them realize that life is indeed much better when shared with someone that you can keep for the rest of your life. They tell me that somewhere down the road, I will look back and say that I was wrong because eventually, I will find someone who I will share my life and I will accept and who will accept me, my strangeness and awkwardness and all.
I do not wish to tell you that you are wrong. But you know me well, sometimes, maybe better than I know myself.
I don’t think I am capable of changing. I still I was who I was a year ago, even though I felt there was more to me than what I knew. But the more I think about it and the more I evaluate what I’ve gone through almost a whole year from last year’s standing, I believe that I have probably not changed at all.
Sure, I’ve done what I want and certainly, these things I’ve done have made me more complete than I’ve ever felt, but have those achievements really changed me? I think they’ve magnified more of my self-centered nature, and amplified my vanity and finally, exposed my craving for attention more than ever. I thought doing what I always wanted to do would fix me, but now I am at a loss, more than ever, to explain why nothing has still been fixed.
There is a hole in my soul that I feel that’s never gonna be filled and I know it’s my fault. I have closed my doors because of fear and because of my craving to be alone. I’ve been consciously doing what I’m doing because I know I want to be ‘punished’ for the things I’ve done, but still, I don’t feel anything’s enough.
I fear my heart has gone cold, and I only find my life in other people’s lives, and celebrating in their lives and their achievements and their warmth.
I have become what I feared that I would become.
I’d rather be alone than have someone I know I’d constantly hurt by being myself.