AMBIVALENCE

“Ambivalence suggests strong feelings… in opposition. The prefix, as in ‘ambidextrous,’ means ‘both.’ The rest of it, in Latin, means ‘vigor.’ The word suggests that you are torn… between two opposing courses of action. ” – Dr. Wick in Girl , Interrupted

I think this word perfectly describes my state at the moment, after the events that transpired today.

I am torn between two opposing courses of action – living my life as I have (or haven’t) plotted it, or living the life that people around me expect of me.

Decisions, decisions.

Right now, I’m in a state where I feel broken, I feel heavy; that isn’t a good sign but basically, I’m just grateful for having a good support system – I get to hear different opinions, advices and throw in some fun in the mix to get a bit of an upper, and get some moments to relieve me of my burden. Then, again… there’s the faith thing, something unexpected was something I really needed and it couldn’t have come at a better time.

Which brings me to the conclusion of this post: I know that I can make it through this. I have faith in myself, my family, my friends and the Creator.

Very soon, with patience, faith and armed with vigor for my chosen course of action, the ambivalence will go away, till the next one comes along.

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